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seinfeld.txt
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1998-09-05
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3KB
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73 lines
Quotes from Seinfeld...
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their
toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there
may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of
chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some
sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not
the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which
waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a
restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays
the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No
animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it
for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various
important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to
plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased
squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be
reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea
what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with
the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why
don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished.
Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone
companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and
when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay
to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't
that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me?
No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did
those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that
when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are
compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making
progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but
now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a
danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby
cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh,
man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of
that stuff."
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry
detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust
them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the
DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup
holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you
see an ad for a suit,do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden,
but easily accessible when you need it!" I
think not.